Letter to DEFRA

[KeithB]

To: Rt Hon David Milliband MP
Secretary of State, DEFRA

Dear Secretary of State

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, received a cheque for £3,000
from the Rural payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I now want to join the
"not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the
EU under the Common Agriculture Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want
not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any
advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate
record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local
Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs
for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968.
That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing
100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about
4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year.
Then I can afford to buy an aeroplane.

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes
of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops.
Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
didn't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the
Government information on set aside fields? Can this be done on an
e-commerce basis with virtual fields?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed,
and will qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course vote for you at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,
​

 

[BriH]

And the Worst thing about it - Is its ACTUALLY happening



Only in the UK ,Only in the UK

We are getting dafter by the year !!!!!!!!

 

[bigh]

I've a damn good mind to copy & paste that and send it. Brilliant !!!

 

[sless]

have you sent that to milliband then keith

 

[KeithB]

No I copied it from another forum, can you not tell by the proper punctuation

I'm gonna ask for a payment for not catching fish.

 

[mark]

be funny if it weren't completely true. A friend of mine bought a farm outside Alston, when the owner died. his family didn't want to continue farming so he moved in. the paperwork continued to arrived from the Min of Ag' (now Defra) basically saying 'last year the hill farm subsidy was £36 per acre, if you wish to continue in the CAP (common Agricultural Policy) support scheme fill in the attached forms etc - he did, and got £36 per acre times 85 - just over 3 grand, then there's the forms for 'set aside'. Due to surpluses in the EU he gets £150 per acre for not growing any barley on the 10 acres he had in the valley bottom, then theres ESA scheme - don't cut your grass till august so the wildlife/birds can breed - 48 quid and acre for the pasture land that was used for winter sillage, so he doesn't cut his grass... Kerching £840

and then there's the matter of not keeping sheep - £32 per sheep, and of course he doesn't keep 150 sheep, nor will he keep 150 sheep next year either! allin all its about £14000 a year for not doing anything

****es me off a bit, but the only comfort is that its 14 grand a year the french farmers aren't getting

the set aside is the biggest earner. The farm I grew up on was sold cos I didn't want to be a farmer, and was bought by another farm. It's in lincolnshire so its all Arable crops -mainly wheat. the farm that bought it now has 4500 acress of arable land. If that git decides not to do anything next year he'll get £150 per acre set aside/ESA/CAP support etc - do the maths! and farmers reckon they are skint

 

[sless]

i wonder how much i would get for NOT catching fish

this time next year i will be a millionaire

hahaha

 

[marksworld]

and me for not cremating and burying the dead. i think nothing. if our(funerals ) bussiness was on hard times would we get bail( pardon the pun) outs no way. poor farmers my ars*. while i,m on i high everybody thinks that funeral directors are well off, well name me another bussiness thatpays out on behalf of a client without credit checks around £600- £800(disbursments) on every funeral then hopes to get paid. all i'm getting at really is the farmers dont have it that bad and if they say they do....................well they know how i feel.



cheers
mark

 

[Marc]

Have you noticed you are getting busier since the coop started doing credit checks and taking deposits Mark.

 

[marksworld]

Have you noticed you are getting busier since the coop started doing credit checks and taking deposits Mark.

marc i wouldn't say we are any busier than usual but we have had a few people come to us because of the coop wanting a deposit up front. i wonder what they do for people waiting on estates being sorted out or someone who is not working, turn them away????


cheers
mark

 

[bigh]

Dig the bu**ers up !!!!!!

 

[marksworld]

lol do ya know how much that costs

 

[peter.m]

marc i wouldn't say we are any busier than usual but we have had a few people come to us because of the coop wanting a deposit up front. i wonder what they do for people waiting on estates being sorted out or someone who is not working, turn them away????


cheers
mark

Do they burn them as witches?

Hold on there'll be a tax on smokeless fuel! :casstet:

 

[marksworld]

Do they burn them as witches?

Hold on there'll be a tax on smokeless fuel! :casstet:

no not as witches, but as a cheif executive of a local council once said if they cant afford it or cant pay they are just classed as refuge. typical council



cheers
mark

 

[Steve115]

Absolutely brilliant Keith,

Sless - lmao at the "wonder how much I'll get for not catching fish" remark!

Class

still giggling!

Steve