Here\'s a few witty and/or clever ones to read through, )that should keep you off the streets for a few days):
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children\'s children, because I don\'t think children should be having sex.
- Jack Handey, \"Deep Thoughts\"
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you\'re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don\'t know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey
I\'ve developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time.
- Charlie Brown
I might be in the basement. I\'ll go upstairs and check.
- M. C. Escher
Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don\'t know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
- Colonel Flagg
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
- Anon
May we now all rise and sing the eternal school hymn: \"Attack. Attack. Attack Attack Attack!\"
- Danny Baker
I don\'t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- Katherine Cebrian
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
- Collis P. Huntingdon
I don\'t think I\'m alone when I say I\'d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can\'t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is \"God is crying.\" And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is \"Probably because of something you did.\"
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If I ever get rich, I hope I\'m not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
- Jack Handey
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don\'t know what your rights are, or who the person is you\'re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: \'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.\'
- Jack Handey
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
- Anon
\"When Arizona became a state in 1912, the first man it sent to the United States Senate was a loquacious cowboy called Henry Fountain Ashurst. In his first address to the Senate, Mr Ashurst boasted that Arizona was \'poised to become a veritable paradise.\' Only two things were needed, he said: \'Water, and lots of good people\'. According to legend, a senator from New England responded, \'If the gentleman from Arizona will forgive me, that\'s all they need in hell.\'\"
- Seen in \"The Economist\"
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- H. L. Mencken
There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.
- George Orwell
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur (anything said in Latin sounds profound).
- Anon
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov
Analysing humour is like dissecting a frog — few people are interested, and the frog dies.
- EB White, \"A Subtreasury of American Humor\"
~
What does Christmas mean if we can\'t encourage small children to sit on a stranger\'s lap?
- Ian O\'Doherty
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Is somebody not editing what I\'m saying here???
I love giving opinions, I\'ve got hundreds.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Someday, we\'ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
I had to hit him : he was starting to make sense.
Wanted : Person willing to seal gas leaks with candle. Must be willing to travel.
Mind intentionally left blank...
Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.
There are some people we *want* to offend.
Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.
What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?
Women make silly generalisations.
I\'d explain it to you, but your head would blow up.
We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
Remember the world is a big place. Even if you\'re one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
You ever look up the word dictionary in a dictionary? A little hand comes out and smacks you one.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
I\'m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Speak softly but drive a Sherman tank.
- Anon
\"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.\"
- George Carlin
Atilla The Hun\'s Maxim: If you\'re going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in that order.
- PJ Plauger, \"Programming On Purpose\"
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn\'t been a boy I wouldn\'t have had anything to play with.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink.
- Tom Waits
\"Ed, I see you\'re out drinking again. What\'s the occasion?\"
\"I was sober.\"
- Ed Byrne, on RTE\'s \"The Panel\"
According to Snopes.com most money has trace amounts of cocaine on it. Maybe money can make you happy after all.
- Quote spotted on IMAO
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don\'t think there\'s really any oxygen. I think they\'re just to muffle the screams.
- Rita Rudner
I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.
- Stephen Wright
Right now I\'m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I\'ve forgotten this before
- Stephen Wright
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don\'t know I\'m firing blanks.
- Emo Philips
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
- Bob Monkhouse
A man said to the Universe: \"Sir, I exist!\" \"However,\" replied the Universe, \"the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.\"
- Stephen Crane
If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.
- Robert A. Heinlein, \"Friday\"
I don\'t intend to offend; I just offend with my intent.
~ Anthrax, Sound of White Noise
I\'m a Leo. Leos don\'t believe in this astrology stuff.
- Tom Neff
Everybody is a potential murderer. I\'ve never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.
- Clarence Darrow
After an incident in Croydon involving a police van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals.
~ The Two Ronnies, BBC TV
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he\'s in trouble.
- Dennis Fakes
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Give an eight-year old, a bouncer, or a journalist a walkie-talkie and pretty soon scenes from Where Eagles Dare will be re-enated. That was the world we inhabited on Wednesday night.
- Dion Fanning
\"We\'ve done a terrible thing.\"
\"Yes, if only there was some magical liquid that could erase bad memories...\"
- Alan and Charlie, in the bar, \"Two and a Half Men\"
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
~ W. C. Fields
It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
- Tom Lehrer
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Woody Allen
I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?
- Woody Allen
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don\'t get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
- Steve Rubenstein
Where ever you go, there you are.
- Buckaroo Bonzai
I\'m against picketing, but I don\'t know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg
To err is human, but it feels divine.
- Mae West.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. Fourteen times.
- B. Hill.
The best way to a man\'s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn\'t mean I..........
Reality is for people who can\'t handle science fiction.
Just because you\'re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won\'t spoil me.
What does \'it\' mean in the sentence \"What time is it?\" ?
I\'m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
If I want your opinion, I\'ll give it to you.
It\'s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say \"Honk if ...\"
If practice makes perfect, and nobody\'s perfect, why practice?
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you\'ll be dead.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it\'s time to get up.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.
I have an inferiority complex, but it isn\'t a very good one.
- All Anon
Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.
- John Berryman
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- Bruce Graham
Eagles may soar, but weasels don\'t get sucked into jet engines.
- Bruce Graham
We\'re our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.
- Tom Robbins
